Our parsha offers a suggestion. In it, Reuven, Yaakov's (Jacob's) eldest son, commits a heinous sin. According to the literal text, he sleeps with Bilhah, his father's wife. (Genesis 35:11)

Yaakov is so outraged that the sentence describing his response is left incomplete. This is one of the few times that this occurs in the Torah. The text simply says "va-yishmah Yisrael, and Yisrael (Jacob) heard."

Benno Jacob, the German Jewish commentator, has noted that whenever the text uses the verb shama, to hear, without specifying what one hears-it indicates to hear but not to listen. It means that there is a reaction of rejection. This point is strengthened here, as this sentence doesn't even end, thus illustrating that Yaakov was incensed beyond description. No words could adequately portray his feelings then.

Notwithstanding Yaakov's deep disgust with Reuven, he does not go as far as disowning his son. It has been noted that in the very next sentences the Torah states that Yaakov had twelve children, the first born being Reuven (Genesis 35:22, 23). In other words, Yaakov does not cast Reuven out leaving him with eleven sons, and Reuven is still mentioned as the first of the twelve.

An important lesson can be learned from this. In marriage, respect and love are inextricably bound. If there is no respect, there is no love. This is because marriage involves choice, a contractual arrangement of love between two people.

Not so in our relationship with our children. There, love is built in. Unlike marriage, where termination is possible, our children no matter what, will always remain our children.

Hence, while we may not respect our children for something they do or do not do, our love for them must remain unconditional. And so, Yaakov loses respect for Reuven, and reflects this loss by telling him on his death bed that his deed was so egregious that he would not inherit the birthright. Nonetheless, Yaakov blesses Reuven first, as he still remains his eldest. (Genesis 49:3,4)

It is critical to note the method used by Yaakov to maintain his relationship with Reuven even after Reuven’s terrible sin. What stands out in the text is that Yaakov reacted by remaining silent. He "hears" but does not speak. Dialogue and openness is crucial in human relations, but at times it is important to know what not to say. It is important to know when not to speak. The fact that Yaakov refrained from immediately expressing outrage may have been the way his relationship with Reuven is saved.

Writing to Rabbi Duber Milstein whose son strayed from Judaism, Rabbi Kook, the first chief rabbi of Israel suggests, "We must greatly soften our sacred emotions in order to speak with our children in the way they need, and along with this to believe with complete faith that the light of God rests on each and every Jew, and that all regressions are nothing but great, unintentional mistakes. Therefore my friend, my advice to you is that in any case do not abandon your children, but bring them close as possible, and in the end they will certainly return."